Tuesday, June 3, 2008

When Hurting Is No Longer An Option

You don't have to go it alone.

Instead of walking around with an undressed wound from childhood it is possible to be healed. Not with thick scar tissue, but actually go in and cleanse and let the skin grow back. Scars are not mandatory. We can heal from the inside out.
There’s a technique used sometimes in hypnotherapy wherein the subject is taken back to an event and restructures the ending so it turns out the way he or she wants. It has its merits.
Changing the ending of a memory works to a degree. It gives us the satisfaction of being our own director in our own movie and calling all the shots.
But what it doesn’t do is change the original scene. Irrespective of how many of how many rewrites we do on the scripts of our lives, what occurred originally is the only truth. It must be dealt with. It must remain intact as the proper memory. Literal change of the past is impossible; virtual change is a form of healing. We write a different ending and alter how we are affected by it.

It is for us to learn from the events of our lives. If we don’t we are lost and must return to the pattern and relive it over and over until in this life or another we realize our cycle and break it.
When we change everyone wins. But this is not a contest, and not a duel to death. I am not against you nor are you against me. Abuse is not personal. Not really. The abuser is in as much pain as his or her target. Abusers are acting out of intense unaware self-loathing and they want you to hate them and to hate yourself too. Become one of the crowd and pain is lessened. Hate is attention the same as is love.

Our agreement with our abusers pre-dates birth and is forged out of love, not hate. It is to learn something. Do we bring it on ourselves? Not as such. We agree to a certain set of circumstances in order to learn, but we have the free will to alter that course. We can stop the pain and we must simply because letting abuse continue keeps us on the karmic wheel.

We absolutely must learn from our life experiences and lessons work both ways. They are for the abuser as much, perhaps more, than the abused. Perhaps that is the most difficult aspect to accept. It is a learning experience that we have both taken on. It does not have to continue. An abused person sometimes goes on to abuse others. The other has agreed to experience some of this, if needed. This is the key. It does not have to be needed.

We cleanse the wounds life has inflicted on our psyches by admitted they occurred, and while we are not at fault for being victims, we are complicit in the experience by dint of agreement. Should we blame ourselves? No. But we just admit it happened, face the events of life and move on from them.
Being bested by abuse perpetuates the cycle. Accept it and move on from it. Dwell on it and playing the victim will only serve to let the abuser win, and not learn anything. Find the strength inside and build from it. Do it for both of you.
It is an act of love.


Hilary said...

Very deep, thoughtful words, Leah. I need to mull them over...

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks, Hilary. Take your time. You're under no obligation to respond, of course, but I certainly welcome your opinion.

the Bag Lady said...

This post has got me thinking.... It is difficult to know what to say, dfLeah.
We all need to find a way to heal ourselves so we can move to a higher plane.
Very interesting post. Thanks for the food for thought!

Reb said...

I read this last night and again just now. I enjoy these posts where you make me think and this one deserves more time.

I am not sure that altering your memories is a good thing, how can you learn from that. Isn't it a bit like seeing things through rose coloured glasses?

Must think some more.

Leah J. Utas said...

df Bag Lady - Yes, healing is the point of lessons.

Reb - I'm glad you like it when I make you think.

Changing a memory has its merits in that it can help get you past a difficult event and you can take some power from it. I do agree, however, that it can take away from the point of the event. What happened is the truth, that's what we must deal with and get beyond.

Thomma Lyn said...

What a wonderful post, Leah. Filled with wisdom that speaks to me.

I loved this:

"Literal change of the past is impossible; virtual change is a form of healing. We write a different ending and alter how we are affected by it.

That observation is deeply insightful and so true -- and something which can help people so much if they can take it to heart.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thomma Lyn, I'm so pleased this post spoke to you. It's a difficult subject, but it is worth it to know it touches my readers.