Whatever
happened to romantic friendship? It used to be, until about a hundred years ago
that friends could show their affection, profess undying love, and look after
one another emotionally without anyone so much as twitching a whisker.
Wiki
explains romantic friendship this way. In short
it's a passionate and usually non-sexual friendship with a physical closeness
not seen in western society.
This
is missing today. Men can shake hands with one another, but not hold them. Any
touching they get is done under the cover of sports and often involves
fighting.
It's
a bit better for women, but even them
too much physical closeness gets questioned. Consequently they have all but disappeared.
Not
entirely, of course. But they have gone underground.
Years
ago I did a story for Women's History Month. My subject had been a nurse who had
been quite a character. Among other things she was known for physically hauling
in people off the street to make sure they got their shots. She'd died about five years earlier so I
couldn't interview her, but I did speak to her friend.
The
two women were companions. Close friends, never married, and they'd shared a
house until death parted them. Work took
one away from town for long periods of time. When the other retired she would
often go up and stay with her friend.
When
the one died the other continued going to go each year where they'd wintered
and took a large framed photo of her friend along.
I
wrote the story not quite sure what to make of their relationship other than
knowing it really wasn't my business. Any local person I discussed it with left a
great deal unsaid.
Not
long afterward I found the book, Surpassing The Love of Men: Romantic Friendship
and Love Between Women From the Renaissance to the Present, by Lillian Faderman (Quill, William Morrow, 1981).
This
opened a fascinating world for me. I had no idea such relationships existed and
it made me look at the Women's History feature I'd written in a new light. I
don't know the degree and details of their relationship and neither does it
matter. What these two women had together worked for them, met their needs, and
harmed no one.
Same
sex marriage is legal and we see same sex couples in shows and movies and it is
wonderful. But we also need the middle
ground. Friendship as we commonly see it is great, friends hug, occasionally
have a passing touch in a conversation or will comfort one another, but that's
about it.
I
think we need more physical contact. I believe we'd be healthier and happier
and feel less alone if we could have friendship where we weren’t concerned with
what everyone thinks or feel the need to question our sexuality.
Bring
back romantic friendship for all our sakes.
