Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Yeah. So?

I have to remind myself I have cancer. Not to dwell on it, but simply to recall the fact of it.
It seems remote to me, a thing not part of my life.
For one, I suppose, I haven't had it very long. New things take time.
For two, I neither look nor feel sick. 
I have no idea how I am supposed to feel so whatever I feel is right for me.
As for looking sick, I don't and am glad of it. In fact I look and feel better than I have in years.
Whether it's real or reversed dysmorphia is immaterial. I think I look good, ergo I do look good.
It does, however, colour my perception. 
When I think of cancer patients I picture someone, pale, sickly, usually gaunt, and often bald.
This is silly. There are as many looks to cancer as there are people who have it.
But right now when I hear about the disease I think of those who have it or have had it.
Other people.

Then this happens:

Voice In My Head (VIMH) : "Hey, you have cancer."
Other Voice In My Head (OVIMH): "Yeah. So?"
VIMH: "Uhhh, hmm. Never mind."
OVIMH: "Okay."


the Bag Lady said...

I am glad you don't look nor feel sick, and hope you won't. Our perceptions of ourselves serve to color how we present ourselves to the world. Seems to me you are presenting as awesome!

Virginia Lee said...

I looked and felt so much healthier within a week of getting my diagnosis, that while undergoing radiation there were people who did not believe I was dealing with cancer.

When my surgeon told me, after the radical hysterectomy, that I had cancer, I smiled at him and said, "Well, we can deal with that." He told me later he'd never had a patient react that way. Here it is, nearly eight years later, and I'm fine.

You have the right approach, soulgoob. You also have beaucoups of love, light, and healing energy heading your way from all over the place. xoxo

Leah J. Utas said...

Thank you kindly, BL.

VL,so glad you're fine, and that's the attitude you took. Thanks.

Tabor said...

I think that conversation you just had with yourself is pretty wise and healthy. As the title of my blog emphasizes in my life I just try to take it one day at a time. You cannot digest all the days ahead in one fell swoop.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks, Tabor. One day at a time is best. If we were meant to digest more at once we'd be given more at once.

Rikk Utas said...

Glad you're keeping yer pecker up, as it were, cuz. I am thinking of you.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks, Rikk. The expression made me smile. Thanks.

messymimi said...

It's caught, it's early, it's going to be curable, and you won't feel that sick. That's a good way to look at it, and deal with it, and i'm hoping and praying it with all my might.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks, Messymimi. I do this to acknowledge its existence.

Hilary said...

You've got a good marriage between mind and body and that will do wonders for your full recovery. We should all possess your strength and logic.

solarity said...

The voices in your head are having the right conversation. Feeling sick was completely normal for me for many many years of fighting allergies. But so what? I was not my illness.
Many healthy vibes heading your way, to assist the voices.

Mary Anne in Kentucky

crabby said...

"Yeah, So?" is such a great motto for life in general--I'm gonna steal it!

So glad you are feeling great; I suspect you won't let this get in the way of grabbin' life by the tail.

Anonymous said...

Great post!

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks Hilary, Mary Anne, Crabby, and Kimberley.

And Crabby, steal away!