Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday's Child - Asking For It

Was pain ever welcome? Did I ever want to be hit?
In all honesty I did quite literally ask for it a few times because pain made me feel alive.
Nothing else seemed to touch me and neither did anyone else for that matter. Pain and blood was my way of confirming that I was there.
I reasoned out what to do and I did it.
It’s easy to pick a fight with someone who is violent and insane. What I did was simple, brutal, and frankly, satisfying. I’d ambush my sister. I’d walk up behind her and punch her hard between the shoulder blades.
I’ll be honest. It felt good. I was causing her pain just like she’d done to me so many times.
Of course she’d return the favor. She’d hit me a few times, maybe scratch or gouge an arm for good measure.
Sure it hurt. That’s the point. Acute physical pain took my mind off the dull ache in my chest that was my constant, nagging companion. It served to remind me that when I wasn’t being hit I was being ignored.
I did this when I was eight or nine. I don’t recall how often I did it. I like to think it was only 2-3 times, but it was likely closer to a dozen.
It wasn’t right, it wasn’t good and it really didn’t help. I felt awake and alive briefly, but the dull ache always came back.


the Bag Lady said...

dfLeah - I'm glad to hear that you have outgrown this. And so sorry to hear about all of this happening to you.

Leah J. Utas said...

Yes, I'm glad I got over that part of it.

Reb said...

I am glad also that you grew out of that and into the person you are today.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thank you, Reb.

Leah J. Utas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Polly Kahl said...

HI Leah, have you ever read Rosie O'Donell's book Celebrity Detox? She talks about doing this sort of thing to herself too, including breaking her own bones. Even though she did it directly to herself instead of inciting someone else to do it, it strikes me as the same sort of thing.

Leah J. Utas said...

Hello Polly, thanks for stopping by and thanks for the book suggestion. I haven't read O'Donnell's book. It might be something I need to read for research.