Friday, March 7, 2008

Friday's Child - Hell, Forgiveness and Blame.

Here's another post from Prozac Palace. Before we get started let me remind you today is the new moon. Remember to write yourself an abundance cheque within 24 hours of the new moon in your area.

The following originally ran Monday, May 28, 2007.

I told my sister to go to Hell the other night. Smartest thing I ever did.
Because now my shoulders hang properly instead of being scrunched up and tense, and the pain in the middle of my back is all but gone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good physically. I know I’ve never felt this good emotionally. Spiritually I’m calm and centered. It was the right thing to do. I wish I’d done this 40 years ago.

She called Friday night to ask advice about someone who wanted money to help her move. She began the move in February and is in her new apartment, but it sounds as though she still hadn’t collected all her belongings from the old place. In the latest installment a friend told her to hire some professional movers but she didn’t follow up on it. He then told her if she gave him $500 he’d get some people together to do the moving for her. She wanted to know if she should give him money. I said it wasn’t a good idea.
She rambled on a bit about him needing tobacco the previous night and she didn’t get him any and he can’t go without it and he’s mad at her because she didn’t get him the tobacco until that day. She used this as a launching pad for her usual closed loop of complaints about doctors screwing her up, and the cleaning people hurt her cat and she didn’t even have bedbugs. (Her original story was cockroaches.)

I have had it with her complaints. She cannot or will not do anything about her situation despite getting patient advice from me and probably others as well. I listen to her whining because she needs someone to talk to and because we’re not supposed to be mean to the poor insane people who can’t help the way they are.
Not this time. I told her I didn’t want to hear her complaints.
“Don’t take that tone with me,” she said.
“I’ll take any tone with you I please.”
She said I was cold. I said, “Yes, I am. What do you expect since you beat me an average of 2-3 times a week until I was 10 years old? "
She was quiet for about a second then launched into how bad this was for her. She didn’t have her head on right in those days (This was her pre-insanity days according to the official record.) and she wasn’t getting what she needed then and she doesn’t even know who that person was. That may be the absolute truth, but she was far from finished.

Apparently she’s had therapy about this and she “has regrets.” Well, she was just getting warmed up. According to her when she was 26 I told her I was “going to get her.” It didn’t really happen. In her mind it did, but for the record I did not threaten her. She told me not to deny it because she’d been in therapy for years afterward because of it.

She went on for a while, but I’d had it. I will not put up with being blamed for her problems. I was calm, cool and collected.
"Go to hell,” I said as and calmly hung up.
The change was immediate. My shoulders fell to a natural and normal position. The pain between my shoulder blades drained away. It had showed up in the afternoon when I’d been wondering when I was going to hear from her. The full moon was coming; I knew it could be any time.
I smiled. I felt good. I should have done this 40 years ago.

She called back after abut 20 minutes and wanted to know if I was still “carrying this around.”
"Well it really makes you ugly.”
So I told her I forgave her for beating me.

She’d mentioned something in the first call about having to find a new place and I wasn’t sure if that meant a third apartment or it was a reference to where she is now. When I asked about it she hung up on me. She called back about 10 minutes later with her original question and I told her not to give this fellow any money.
The conversation ended but this time I didn’t feel drained. She’d managed to turn my experience and pain into a much more traumatic event for her as her problems are my fault.
In her reality she is blameless.

This can’t be helped. It’s up to her to change if and when she wants. All I can do is not let her abuse me anymore.


the Bag Lady said...

It was the right thing to do.

Leah J.Utas said...

Thanks, df Bag Lady.

Crabby McSlacker said...

What a nightmare growing up in such a situation!

Glad you are now free from dealing with your sister on a daily basis and are instead enjoying the world's abundance.

Leah J.Utas said...

Thanks, Crabby. It takes a long while to get to seeing and enjoying abundance after all that, but I am so very glad I did.

Reb said...

Good for you. Sometimes you just have to say enough.

Clare2e said...

Yikes, Leah. What a situation. I have (have had) disruptive, mentally ill relatives and abusive folks around at various times. There are definitely moments not to try to give what you don't have or even to feel the need to rise above, but to shake their dust off your shoe-soles and detach, realizing that even in these murkiest of physical malfunctions, volition matters.

Leah J.Utas said...

Hello Clare2e, good to see you here. Yes. The bliss of detachment.