I finally get why being a leader upsets me.
Here's a bit of background:
Years go, I was maybe 12 at a family reunion on mom's side. There was a keg.
I helped myself, as so many others did.
At one point several other children lined up behind me.
I neither called them nor wanted them. For the record I did not entice them to the keg in any way.
But to hear a cousin's wife tell it, all the little children were lined up behind me. The clear implication being I deliberately led them into temptation and proceeded to provide it.
(Sidebar: Fuck you, Judy. I always liked you. Still do, but fuck you, Judy.)
This upset me.
I swore I didn't bring them along. They lined up of their own free will
I screamed inside, "I'm not a leader."
I can't stop anyone from following me to a keg, or down the street, or into a set of beliefs. It's personal choice. But I resented the implication that I'd done it deliberately.
I realized over the years it was more than simple resentment.
The idea of leading scared me.
Being first in line is fine, but I do not lead. I do not want the responsibility.
Lately I have been wondering why. On Monday I got the answer.
During my meditation I asked what was holding my career back. According to LeahWorld I should long have been a published author.
The scene from a past life flowed into my mind. I am familiar with this life as I have been regressed to it a few times.
My name was Erich von Stronn.* I was a young soldier of the German army. I led a small unit of men. We were ambushed. Some were killed. I was captured and tortured and left to die in the cold in the square in a Russian town.
Some of the men of the unit are in my life today. One despises me. I am sure he blames me for his death.
Another is a long-time friend. He has told me he does not blame me.
The other I have know for close to 50 years. She and I are friends, but time and distance has kept us apart.
It was she who betrayed us.
In our life now she is the only person who ever told me a secret that I later spilled. By later I mean the first chance I got.
I always wondered why I did that. It is out of character for me to say the least.
Fearing leadership has kept my career back. I understand it and knew to take the only step to shatter its power.
I forgave the betrayer.
But more importantly I forgave me.
I accepted responsibility for the deaths of my men, I let a betrayer in our midst. I had to forgive me for that, and then forgive me for the betraying the betrayer in this life.
How this shakes out in my writing career I don't know. There may be a whole new component to my career now, one I can't imagine at this moment.
Whatever it is I am open to it. I can lead if it is what I am supposed to do.
And no one is going to die because of it.
*Best guess at the spelling. A friend originally suggested it would be spelled Strahn. During the regression where I got the name the version I used upstream came to me.