Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Lead Me Into Forgiveness

I finally get why being a leader upsets me.
Here's a bit of background:
Years go, I was maybe 12 at a family reunion on mom's side. There was a keg.
I helped myself, as so many others did.
At one point several other children lined up behind me.
I neither called them nor wanted them. For the record I did not entice them to the keg in any way.
But to hear a cousin's wife tell it, all the little children were lined up behind me. The clear implication being I deliberately led them into temptation and proceeded to provide it.
(Sidebar: Fuck you, Judy. I always liked you. Still do, but fuck you, Judy.)
This upset me.
I swore I didn't bring them along. They lined up of their own free will
I screamed inside, "I'm not a leader."

I can't stop anyone from following me to a keg, or down the street, or into a set of beliefs.  It's personal choice. But I resented the implication that I'd done it deliberately.
I realized over the years it was more than simple resentment.
The idea of leading scared me.
Being first in line is fine, but I do not lead. I do not want the responsibility.
Lately I have been wondering why. On Monday I got the answer.
During my meditation I asked what was holding my career back. According to  LeahWorld I should long have been a published author.

The scene from a past life flowed into my mind. I am familiar with this life as I have been regressed to it a few times.
My name was Erich von Stronn.*  I was a young soldier of the German army.  I led a small unit of men. We were ambushed. Some were killed. I was captured and tortured and left to die in the cold in the square in a Russian town.

Some of the men of the unit are in my life today. One despises me. I am sure he blames me for his death.
Another is a long-time friend. He has told me he does not blame me.
The other I have know for close to 50 years. She and I are friends, but time and distance has kept us apart.
It was she who betrayed us.
In our life now she is the only person who ever told me a secret that I later spilled. By later I mean the first chance I got.
I always wondered why I did that. It is out of character for me to say the least.

Fearing leadership has kept my career back. I understand it and knew to take the only step to shatter its power.
I forgave the betrayer.
But more importantly I forgave me.
I accepted responsibility for the deaths of my men,  I let a betrayer in our midst. I had to forgive me for that, and then forgive me for the betraying the betrayer in this life.

How this shakes out in my writing career I don't know. There may be a whole new component to my career now, one I can't imagine at this moment.
Whatever it is I am open to it. I can lead if it is what I am supposed to do.
And no one is going to die because of it.

*Best guess at the spelling. A friend originally suggested it would be spelled Strahn. During the regression where I got the name the version I used upstream came to me.


the Bag Lady said...

I hope this helps. True forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do.

Hilary said...

Forgiveness can be very difficult.. but very important.

messymimi said...

Forgiveness is central to so many things, sometimes in ways we don't even understand.

Leah J. Utas said...

Thanks, all.